Tuesday, May 26, 2020

2018 - The unfinished one I never published...Oops..here ya go I guess

I am truly, truly terrible at keeping up with blogging. 

Holy crap, it's been an entire year. Looking back at my previous entry, I am proud to say that I have grown immensely from where I was last year in a lot of ways. I still struggle with some of the same things, the physical limitations, and my anxiety will be a lifelong battle, but even on those fronts I have made some progress.

Let's look at the last year in review compared to the previous entry. 

Last year at the end of July, I had just come off of performing at the Fierce Queer International Burlesque Festival and I was left puzzling over my identity as a performer and as a human being.

July 2017 vs 2018 - just as naked, with less hair
One of the elements I was learning about what my interaction with competitions and how I didn't enjoy being a part of them. I can say that I stand by this revelation, I've not entered competitions since, and it has been a total relief to the emotional strain being in them caused. I'm proud of and happy for my friends and cohorts who put themselves out there and compete, grow, and become champions. It's most definitely not for me.

Shout out to these champions! Velvet Hearts bringing home the medal!
The anxiety surrounding festivals has improved for me in the last year. A lot of it is knowing more and more of the community, and feeling more comfortable and confident in myself as a performer. It's still a struggle for sure though. I just returned from the Buxom Blaze Burlesque Festival, the FIRST EVER PLUS SIZE FESTIVAL, and although everyone was very kind, incredible, and supportive, those pervasive thoughts creeped up on me.  It was a unique experience for me in traveling alone, and not knowing many people there. I'm not someone who bonds easily or quickly most of the time, so as much as I wanted to really connect with so many performers, doing so over a weekend unless we are spending a lot of time together just doesn't happen for me. I did, however get a chance to bond with my wonderful roomies, Dottie Comma and Bea Trouble, and that was absolutely wonderful.

OH-IO was representing at #BigHof!

As far as that bit last year about desirability and sexual identity, I've made so much progress. I'm much more out than I have ever been, even went so far as to touch on it slightly with a few members of my conservative family. I've leaned into my queer identity and I am on a solid path to further discovery. Recently I watched a video of Rachel Wiley of an excerpt from her book Nothing is Okay and in it she says something similar to my sentiments before, when self-love of your body is hard won, asking someone else to accept you immediately seems like so much to ask for. When you've spent decades building up that love, it seems difficult to believe that someone could immediately do so.




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